Fleeting Moments

A Groggy Monday Morning

2011-05-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

I love you and I barely even know you.
First thoughts on my mind as
I peel open my eyes:
I could open to you like a flower.

You are my favorite sounds:
Rain hitting dry ground;
Callouses sliding on strings from chord to chord;
A distant train making its timely presence known;
Breathing.

Some where out there is a sunrise
grazing the silhouette of your thigh
and I do not feel betrayed.
I feel beloved.

Cover me like morning mist in the mountains.
Leave me breathless like autumn's first wind.
I confess I can't live without you.
And alas, I never did.

The Weh of Yah

2011-01-31T06:52:00.000-08:00

I've been sleeping with the illusion
that I am the hero.
Listening to the song of sacrifice,
Playing it like it's my anthem.
Living as if her labor is also mine.
But my sound is not a panted breath.
Rather it is a narcissistic cry;
A refusal just to die.
The Weh of Yah is to weld
my heart to thine--
A will linked to the Divine.
Yet I stand before you with Pharasitic lungs--
Each breath muttering not the whisper
of Your Name,
But the infection of my game
called 'me'.
Take a chisel to my comfort,
A hatchet to my flesh,
And remind me whose I am.
I am yours.
Nothing less.

O God of covenantal trust,
with jealousy and rage.
Take this book I've written in
and mark up every page.
Because...I've been sleeping
with the illusion that somehow,
I am the hero.

The Embers Drew You In

2011-01-19T10:14:00.000-08:00

Oh child, trembling in your skin
Soaking and bathing in your tears.
You’ve been thinking it all wrong.
So ignorant, blind and deaf,
living only inside yourself.

I see you. I see your pain.
And I hear every drop, every tear,
every plea quivered out in fear.
Death has been knocking at your door,
Inviting you in for coffee and cigarettes.
And last night you agreed.

You closed your mind and shushed your heart.
The embers drew you in.
The smoke burned your lungs.
The hope that maybe this you will feel.
Sometimes, most times, all the time
You scare yourself.

While you smile at butterflies and melt over babies,
You hear your capability,
A beckoning, a haunting call in the back of your mind.
Capability whispers of your doom.
A diseased and dying elephant in the room.
You scare yourself.

Lately the mirror is all too much to face
And the midnight moon doesn’t shine as bright.
You wonder why you’re two steps behind.
You climb and climb and then decline.
But time is really not a line,
Rather, it is a movement.
And if time is always moving,
always continuing
always going on,
Then you have nowhere to go but forward.

You can’t go back, not one step, not two.
So throw out your goodbye letters,
and rejoice.
Each waking morning,
Every rise to meet the dawn,
Every moment you choose to live
is a victory.

You may scare yourself,
But child you do not scare me.
I will be your embers,
I will draw you in.
You’ll see…

And Now I'm Ready To Run

2010-06-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

It’s been four seasons since I’ve put on my running shoes.
But as I cleaned out my closet, and packed up goodbyes
I realized it’s time.

Time to let go of unmet expectations,
And all claimed temptations.
The release of heartbreak sensations
And the death of a following dog named: fear.

I’ve been staring out windows,
Listening to journeying trains go by,
Clicking 500 mph towards what I assume to be
Tiny, hopeful towns.

I’ve been staring through windshields,
Watching wipers making dirty paths clear,
While I wait for the radio to tell me who I am;
And tell me where to steer.

Yes, it’s time to change my shoes.
No more heels that make me hurt.
No more boots expecting the rains.
No more sandals of cheap plastic support.
It’s been four seasons too long,
And now I’m ready to run.

I grab hold of my shoes,
I lace them up, claiming them one at a time;
Walk out into the dew-dampened yard;
Step onto the long, freshly paved road;
I look up, take a breath, and start to jog.
This road is unknown,
And promises no easy trail.
Yet I press on.
Freedom here I run,
One step at a time.

That Which Cannot Be Found

2010-06-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

Most days people let you down.
They fall short of the hope you have in them,
Proving your expectations far too kind.
They leave without ever asking permission...
Or caring about what they left behind.
They hide behind misery, bitterness, and rage.
They pretend to be someone they’re not…
Or someone they think you need.
They’d rather feel nothing at all, so as to never feel pain.
They fail to be your everything...
Or even your anything.

Most days I make a huge mistake:
I search for myself in the eyes of a human.

I Could Walk Away

2010-04-13T03:02:00.000-07:00

I could leave You.

I could get up, open my closet doors,
and gather all its contents spilling out.
I could put on my boots, pick up the bags, tip my hat
and slam the door goodbye.
I could let You watch me walk away off into the distance,
Never to look back, think twice or even care.
I could watch You cry and try to hold me in Your arms saying
“Be patient, be still, stay here and rest in My love"
I could pound my fists against Your chest trying to break
Your heart; try to shatter it into so many pieces
that You wouldn’t miss me at all.

Why? You ask. What haven’t I done?

You explain how all You ever did was give and give and give.
You remind me of my many affairs and how You forgave me.
You remind me that You know I’m not perfect and though I feel
like a burden, I’m Your blessing.
You make me remember the place we met.
The puddle of mud You found me rotting in.

Truth is I don’t know how this relationship is supposed to work.

I could leave You.
But I know the moment I walk out this door
I walk away from Life itself.
I walk away from hope and truth and purpose.
I walk away from suffering but I also walk away from healing.

Yes, I’m a mess…but when I’m here, when I’m with You, I am home.
I notice things I don't notice on my own.
I hear trains, and cries and birds and things.
I taste and touch and feel and sing.

I could stay.
I could put down my bags, break out in tears,
run into your arms and make love to you tonight.

There’s just one thing…
Are you sure you want me?

Labour and Deliverance

2010-03-10T17:53:00.000-08:00

Happiness has melted away,
Trickled down like wet, running
paint on a canvas.
The eyes and ears and nose residing beyond
the mist in the mirror. Waiting to be discovered.
Again.

Perhaps these things need testing.
Bring in the white coats and clip boards.
Lay me down,
Spread wide my legs and examine what's inside.
Cringed and curled toed,
I wonder what you see?
What you write?
What you diagnose?

I drift into a dream...

This perfect, porcelain dancer
keeps going round and round.
The clicking of the classic notes
holds our eyes and sends our mind, back
and back again.
The same box brings the same tune.
Up and down they ring.
Could there ever be a perfect harmony
to such a classic melody?

I am pregnant with Peace.
Forty weeks seem too long.
Yet the doctors say today's the day.
I push and pull and tear and bleed.
They say just breathe.
I scream and scratch and arch my back.
They say just breathe.
I pant and cry. I can't, I can't.
They say just breathe.
I grab hold of my own legs, bear down
and plummet through the heat of hell.
And Peace, I hear
her first cry.

She is not what I expected.

Come Back Home

2010-01-29T18:28:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time,
I put You on a shelf.
I got tired of saying 'yes' and 'Amen'
My love did not cease,
Nor did my belief...
But one day I woke up and realized,
I barely knew the Man living in me.

So there I placed You.
I watched You.
I studied You.
I argued with You.
I worshiped You from a far.
I even wrote about You,
And painted pictures about You.
I told others about You.
And thought of You.
But something wasn't right.

It wasn't enough to just know of You,
Or be fascinated by Your confusing complexity.
My love for You seems to have an agenda these days...
To take away my mess.
To guide me in my future.
To provide for all my needs.
To give me my desires.

Tonight I heard You on the shelf,
Screaming from inside Your box.
"What happened to loving just for the sake of love?
Just because I'm God?
Just because I am holy?
Because I am me?"

Then I remembered Your laugh.
And the way You send down puddles,
Just for me to dance in.
I remembered how You cause the sun to shine,
And warm the hairs on my arms.
How You let me hear a small child,
Giggle in the distance.
How You take me out for milkshakes
And autumn walks.
Or How you make my heart beat
And palms sweat.

I've missed You these days...
Please come back home.

Married to a Mess

2010-01-05T19:25:00.000-08:00

Did You know it?
Did You foresee it coming?
When You bought me back,
Handing over Your silver, and barley and wine?
When You surrendered sacred blood?
Did You know then, that I wouldn’t stay clean for long?

I’m a mess You see.
I’m a broken piece of pottery found at the dump.
I’m the expired milk in the back of the fridge.
I’m muddy sneakers on waxed, white tiled floors.
I’m thick, black oil spilled over lakes and swans.
I’m acid rain on a bed of red roses.
I’m dirty wedding sheets tainted by a harlot and a whore.

How absurd it is to be sentenced to Love.
To hear a King declare me not guilty.
This makes no sense.

They say You hold all the wisdom in the world.
But if You’re so smart;
If You’re so sane,
Why me?
Why would You forgive a wretch like me?

Sometimes I want to do You a favor,
Run away and never return.
Because I know what’s ahead.
I know what I’m like.
I’ll stumble and fall and I’ll break Your heart.
I hurt people; I’ll hurt You.
At Your call I won’t know what to do.
I’m full of fear, and I possess very little courage.
Coward I could be called.
You’ve led me into the desert and spoken ever so tenderly to me there.
What if the words I return aren’t quite so sweet?
What if I forget to bow at Your feet?

My wages are supposed to be death.
In my mind it would have been easier that way.
I screw up: I die.
That’s the system; that’s the way the stories go.
But You said, “No.”

And what You say shall be done.
To question Your ways, I am not the one.
Around Your will,
I try to wrap my mind,
Like a vine to a tree.
But I cannot.
Just as Leviathan to Job would not bow,
So it will not be, You to me.
I must admit, faith is a fruit that is hard to produce.
Develop it in me.

I am broken and dirty and a mess.
I come in a ruined wedding dress.
But now I see there is a need,
For Sacred Blood to cover me.
It is illogical,
It is unreasonable,
It is incomprehensible,
It is unfathomable,
It is Love.
And it comes from You.

My vow I guess should be this:
I accept.
Okay.
Whatever you say.
“Do you take this Man with nail pierced hands,
To trust and to follow?
In weakness, and in strength?
In blessing and in pain?
In reason and in faith?
For the rest of your existence?”
I do.

Life is.

2009-12-19T19:26:00.000-08:00

Life is hard.

It comes at you with no permission and failed predictions.

People tell you to take it one day at a time,

But really it's each moment.

It's conquering each second

And hoping to God that when you look back,

There are no regrets.

Life is blind.

Most days you feel like you are running this race,

With scabs over your eyes

Wondering what in God's name is up ahead.

And all you hear Him say is "hush little child,

Don’t you cry.

Daddy's gunna write your lullaby."

Life can be lonely.

There are seasons when you look around,

And everyone is moving while you are standing still.

All that you know doesn't really feel like home anymore.

Some days you find that the train has stopped coming through on the hour.

Nothing is normal; Nothing is stable.

Kinship can be hard to find,

Or at least hard to feel.

Life can be cold.

There are times when winter follows you,

Despite the weather, despite the town.

Evil's frost nips you in the but,

And you wonder what's the point?

If hate can kill a man's love,

Steal a child's smile,

And bury a woman's beauty…

You wonder if perhaps we were really left here to die.

Life is terrifying.

It calls you to something bigger than yourself.

It demands of you to be great,

But greatness requires courage, and integrity

Which causes you to fear the birth of disappointment.

Some days you feel like the world is

waiting for you to make a move.

Waiting for you to do your thing.

6,816,836,164 people.

Cheering, chanting, screaming….waiting.

What if you fall?

What if you fail?

Life is humbling.

Some days you realize that the very fact that you are breathing is a miracle.

It can knock the wind right out of you.

At the realization there is indeed blood on your hands,

All you can do is cry and wonder why,

You're still here?

No matter how good the mirror says you are,

No matter how high you hold your chin,

Life is not your own.

And if that's true,

If I am not my own,

Then even though life is

Hard,

Blind,

Lonely,

Cold,

Terrifying,

Humbling,

Then you know it will all be okay.

Pain will come, and hearts may break.

But there is a Mender.

A Keeper who…

Helps you to press on,

And see what's not quite clear.

Who provides companions and unexpected community.

Who warms the nose and melts the soul.

Who brings light to darkness and comforts those who are afraid.

One who takes the humbled,

And humbles them even more.

Life may be a lot of difficult things,

But one most excellent is this:

Life is.

To Let Them Go

2009-12-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

They say if you love someone

You've got to let them go.

And that a tree needs pruning

In order to grow.

But I never realized when

I picked up the shears

It would hurt me so.

One moment you burn with anger and rage,

Then when the dial tone breaks silence,

Your heart crumbles

As that red balloon slips away.

I lay my head down at night,

Seeking sweet dreams.

Only to wake with a jolt,

In fear that balloon may bust.

Why is it that the heart must beat?

Not for blood...

But why for the sake of love?

I made a pact with the angels

And the Keeper of the stars,

I said I was in it until the end...

But it seems my lips

Have led the way these days.

And I'm afraid I just can't stay.

It's a damn shame

To have to walk past the one

You once walked to.

To hide the tears with a smile

As they enter the room.

But there comes a time,

When you must neglect a narcissist

And break their mirror, mirror on the wall...

Because lately they're not pretty at all.

As I let go,

As I place all my chips on the belief

That the Keeper will keep him too,

As I walk out in the cold

I breathe...

And hope to God it's not for long.

O Tragedy of All Time

2009-11-13T16:20:00.000-08:00

Last night when I went to bed
In my head upon my pillow
Swam the human sadness
Screaming out across the world.

If Cain could come to kill dear sweet Abel,
Whatever shall we do?
An apple a day is supposed to keep the doctor away,
But years ago 64 teeth sunk into that sweet, crisp flesh
And people have been losing their minds ever since.

Kings tossing baby boys into the crocodile’s mouth,
Daughters getting fathers drunk,
sleeping with them in an attempt to save the world.
Nations dance, and sing, kill and screw
all for a block of wood that can give them nothing.
Friends betray friends for a little bit of silver.

Fingers are pointed, stones are tossed,
Whips, chains, swords.. a cross.

A mother drowns her babies in a lake across from WalMart.
A scared boy blows a pistol in his hellish high school halls.
A daughter flees in the night from her daddy’s drunken fists.
A friend drinks, and drinks, and drinks to numb.
Another snorts and snorts and snorts for fun.
Children sleep in cardboard boxes, with naked pot bellies.
Husbands and wives fight behind million dollar doors.
Sickness sweeps over a town, infecting and weakening the lives within it.

The Boogie man says, knock, knock
And before we can respond with who’s there,
It breaks down the door without permission
Rushing in to steal, to destroy, to kill.
This is no joke; there is no punch line.
Just the punch, just the blow.

As I lay there, slept came slow, but come it did.
I woke up, and I hoped that the morning had brought sun, and shine
and butterflies or something like that.
Instead it rained. And it rained hard.
I watched the drops trickle down my window
And I wondered if heaven was crying.

I remembered the pointing fingers,
The tossed stones, the cross.
And I know that this is not what You intended.
That when You said don’t pick the apple,
don’t pick the apple!
You knew that when it came to knowing evil
We just couldn’t handle the truth.

The cursed bite broke us all,
Ringing in our ears like blunt chalk on its board.
Humanity fell to its knees weeping ever so violently,
Rocking back and forth,
back and forth.
We became lost.

Pity. Shame. O tragedy of all time.

You saw us there, said don’t despair.
I will not leave you lying there.
The prophets rang out and a story was told,
One day a manger would behold,
A Prince, A King, our coming Lord
Not by armies, soldiers and sword.
But love shall cast out all evil and fear,
Whispered heavens darling, dear.
And then You came.

As we scratched and screamed and chewed our nails,
You came to free us from ourselves.
And because of You
Because of you…
I am found.

Pity. Shame. O tragedy of all time need not be my fate.
This man of darkness will not own my flesh.
I am no longer a puppet on strings,
Not a caged bird who sings,
But free.
Though sorrow and suffering come my way,
There also come a day,
When it all shall end.

The Monster in Me

2009-10-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

Here it is again,
This monster in me.
It grabs hold of me,
Choking out what is good.

It hurts, it hits, it hates,
It holds my head up in pride.
It spits in her face with every stride.

Me, I don’t like it.
I hate being this monster.
I clench my teeth,
And ball my hands into fists.
I hope the monster stays away,
But it increases my heart rate,
Explodes, stinging the prey.

How long must I battle it?
How long will I give in?
How many more times will I become its puppet?

I try, I cry and hope to die,
But all that doesn’t disguise,
Or demise,
The monster that eats me inside.

God smite the insect.
Crush the beast.
Guard my heart on which it hopes to feast.
Make me clean.
Make me better.
Tear away this scarlet letter.
Strip me down.
Mold this clay.
Slash and slay this snake away.
Place a lock on me, no monster can control.

How could I cause another to cry?
How could I slander your name?
The hypocrite must die.

I’m sorry…
I’m sorry…
I’m sorry.

Forgive me for their pain.
Here is goes again…
My remorse.
My plea.
But God please make this the end
Of the monster in me.

The Colors of My Questions

2009-10-29T17:38:00.001-07:00

The more and more I learn in life,
The more questions I have.
The more I think I’ve come to know myself, find myself,
The more I wonder if I really get me at all.
The more life reveals its secrets and methods,
And the more I feel I’m getting the hang of this thing,
The more I feel life slipping through my hands like grains of sand.
The more and more I come to know my God;
The more and more I understand His truth;
The more and more I experience His grace, and mercy, and power…
The more I see that His ways are not my ways
And I really don’t comprehend Him at all.
As truth comes, so do questions.
What do I do with them all?
I wish I could write them down all on little pieces of paper—multicolored paper.
Green for difficult ones,
Like what does it mean to really be in love?
Or Who am I supposed to be?
Purple for the questions called: why?
Like, Why can’t humans fly?
Or Why isn’t my dad here with me?
Ocean blue for all the questions seeking to figure out exactly who God is…
Does He cry?
What did He do before He created the universe?
What does His hair smell like?
Will He ever stop forgiving me?
After writing all my questions down,
I’d crumple them all up,
And stick them in a bright red balloon,
Fill it with helium and let go.
After my questions have all been released,
I’d walk barefoot along the beach…
Or maybe go get some ice-cream.

My Lover is Insane

2009-10-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

I was once told that normal was only a setting on a washing machine,
And as You called my phone today,
Your foolish words moving from my ear into my heart,
I was convinced this statement true.
An ambassador of Yours explain that one of Your children some 3000 miles away needed a hug
And I, a jar of clay, was to do the task.
How do I tell my mother, my Lover’s gone insane?
The world will write me off as a Looney,
Laughing at my reckless devotion.
As I’ve said before—our love makes no sense.
Yet I am unhinged in Your very presence.
I am captured by the smell of Your breath.
I take off the scarf wrapped up around my neck,
Throwing caution to the wind.
I let down my hair and run into Your arms,
Full speed ahead.
Like a gentleman, You ask:
“May I have this dance?”
And trusting You with my very soul,
I take Your hand,
Close my eyes,
And You lift me off the ground.

A Cup to Cure the Cold

2009-10-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

It's cold out these days...
Actually to be quite honest,
It's more cold within.

I've been searching for a good cup of coffee.
One that might make a difference.
A quick bite to beat the frost.
But these days a buck-fifty-two only affords cheap imitation.

Oh well, I toss my coins on the counter
And wrap my fingers around Joe.
I head for the door,
Hoping the cranky lady behind the cash won't chase me down
When she finds out my money is no gold.

I follow my feet's affair with the sidewalk
To lead me on for an hour.
I drink the cheap, stale coffee
Telling my tongue it tastes good.
Telling my throat,
My stomach,
My bowls...
That this brew will melt away the cold.
Through every sip,
I knew it was all a lie.

But hey...
It's cold out these days.
Actually to be quite honest,
It's more cold within.

The Rider

2009-07-15T15:34:00.000-07:00

Oh Faithful and True,
Ride in and save me from myself.
My hands are dirty;
My dress is torn.
But you embraced the cross;
You wore the thorns,
For me.
Unworthy me.
Your name is the glue,
That stops this jar of clay from cracking.
Your name is the water,
My cup is lacking.
So fill me.
Fill me up.
Sweet Rider on your pure white horse,
I see the fire in your eyes,
That burn up all lies,
Spoken to me.
Set me free.
My precious Prince,
I am thrown to my knees;
I melt like honey from the bees.
For you.
Yes you,
Have clothed me in robes brand new.
The silk upon my skin says,
I am freed from my sin.
And at our wedding the heavens rejoice,
At the tune of my choice,
To follow the voice,
Shouting:
I have bought you back beloved.
I Faithful and True,
Relentlessly pursued;
Erased wrongs that you do.
Now rise.

Painful Honesty

2009-04-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

There comes a time when we must be honest with ourselves and the world around us.
Not pretty honesty, politically correct, polite.
Not even kind.
But the honesty that purges out of you,
Confessing and revealing all your bones.

This honesty is no cup of tea, but a brew that strips you bare,
Past the clothes; past the flesh.
Drink it down, this medicine of sorts.
Let it kill the disease that’s been eating you up for so long.

There comes a time when you realize, you’re not the only one in hiding.
Everyone around you is wearing this mask, painted pretty with gold
And somehow each one wonders if they have the only one that is counterfeit.

The Big Man says “ready or not, here I come…” and you scoot as far back in the closet as you can, hoping He won’t see your feet sticking out.
An hour goes by, then another, and another.
Still you won’t let Him find you.

There comes a time when you realize, painful honesty just might change the world.
That maybe if you swallow the lump that has taken up residence in your throat, belt out that high pitched note, and sing loud enough to crack the crank that controls the mask…

Maybe then we’ll all come out of hiding.
Perhaps then our chains will melt like winter snow and allow room for spring.

This is the time to lie back in the fields of earth, tuck your hands under your head allowing the world to see those unshaven armpits.
But take another look and there amongst the hair is a flower.

The Drowning

2009-04-01T19:16:00.001-07:00

Is this it?
Love’s murderous hands—holding me under.
Each corner of lung filling with water;
Each tiny capillary busting from pressure.
One moment it’s all about me, it’s what I want.
The next you’ve got me in your hands, whispering “I won’t relent until I have it all…”
The first, second and third death was bearable;
A mere wince at the pain.
But this—this hurts.
You’ve made your way to the core of my heart,
And all must be pushed aside to make room for my true Lover.
Our love makes no sense.
It’s the most complicated, difficult, weakening, and dysfunctional relationship of all—yet something within me says okay.
And I surrender like an addict bowing to her drug.
At my death I wish only to scream, cuss and pound my fist into your chest.
But then I find myself instead weeping in your arms.
I am so mad at your pursuit some days.
And today is one of them…
But here is it: here’s my neck.
Wrap your nail pierced hands and squeeze me into wine.

They Call Me Journey

2009-03-31T19:35:00.000-07:00

I am the time it takes for you to experience your whole life.
I am the events that give you life;
The ones which brought you into the arms of a loving mother the moment you took your first breath.
I am birth.
They call me journey.

I am all of your “firsts”.
I am your first smile, your first steps and I am your first words.
I am your first best-friend.
I am the time you fell when learning how to ride a bike and you scraped up your knee real bad.
I was those nervous butterflies dancing in your tummy the first day of school.
And yeah, I was the tears that leaked from your eyes when you realized mommies didn’t stay with you at school.
I am your childish innocence.
They call me journey.

I am your adventures.
I am the time you and your best-friend hid under her steps throwing snow-balls at the boys.
I am the time you pretended to be an African Queen on a rock in your front yard, as if it was your thrown.
I am the time you laid on the beach looking up at the stars, imagining that you were watching God up in Heaven.
I am your memories.
They call me journey.

I am your adolescents.
Remember middle school?..When you ate that worm for $8.50 with everyone watching?
Or that guy you liked who read the dictionary a lot?
Yeah that was me too.
I am your first day in high school, when everyone was afraid to walk down “Jock Hall”, but you did it anyways with your head held high, just to prove a point.
I am the day you sat on the school steps and gave Christ your life...
Wow, that was a good day.
I am the time you made your prom dress when the Walmart lady said you couldn’t do it.
Oh, and the day you walked across the stage to graduate.
Then you and your friends threw those hats in the air.
Can you hear it?..
“OH SIX, OH SIX, OH SIX, OH SIX...”
I am those complicated, life changing, teenage years.
They call me journey.

I will be your goals and dreams come true.
Where you go and all that you see.
I will be the unexpected ups and the never pleasant downs.
I will be that day you stand in a pure white dress, looking in your man’s eyes and say “I do”.
That day you hold your little brown miracle in your arms, staring, crying and laughing.
I’ll be that feeling of joy and gratitude for all that God has given you.
I will be AFRICA.
I will be all those women who need your help.
I will be tests of faith, times of brokenness, and the need of perseverance.
I am your past.
I am your present.
And I will be your future.
I am your life.
They call me journey.

2009-01-22T16:39:00.000-08:00

Today I stepped out into Your white wash of winter.
I breathed in the morning air
and I swear I felt each corner of my lungs freeze and shatter.
The wind blew in my eyes without permission,
stealing one of my tears.
Frozen to the tops of my cheeks
are my lashes, for just one moment.
I open my eyes,
ice tearing from skin.
It reminded me of a lover,
teeth sunk into my shoulder whilst we made love.
Beloved God, thank You for the cold.

I am the Spider

2008-09-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a tiny spider crawl across the screen of my bedroom window.
Compared to the amazing view of the river, the trees, the hills and the clouds that lay just beyond my window,
that spider was so small.
I thought to myself,
I am that spider.
In contrast to this vast and wondrous world,
I am so small.
Then I thought of how that little spider spins a web.
No one can do it quite like him.
No tree or river can spin silky strings so fine.
No cloud or hill can weave such spectacular patterns.
Yes, I am the spider and no one else can spin a web quite like me.

I Died Today

2008-09-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

I died today,
and even though it kind of hurt,
it was so good.
I fought and kicked and screamed, cursing in my mind.
I stood on the shore, breathing deep.
You were supposed to take care of this,
yet, you just sat there doing nothing.
I heard you say, "jump."
So I did.
I threw off my shoes and dove to my death.
The water stung my face, and as I surfaced,
I came to know the concept of Peace like a river...
I sat shivering on the bank,
Breathing deeper still,
And singing to my lover.
I admitted that I was weak and nothing,
and you reminded me that though I could not see down the river,
you knew what was there.
All would be ok.
Then you said, "dive again."
Once more a thousand needles in that river pierced my skin,
a second death.
It hurt so good.
As I walked away, your hand in mine,
I asked what just happened,
and softly you said,
"You just died today."

A Beautiful kind of Ugly

2008-08-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

I awoke this morning eager to run with the Lord. It was a beautiful sunrise, and all was calm outdoor, so I planned to run fast, and hard, and long but ten minutes down this unfamiliar dirt road I was stopped by the presence of God's beauty. There past a little clearing in the wood, was the lake. Beautiful, calm and captivating. The rays of sun lay on top of the still water, bringing forth steam that slowly rose up. Lily pads and cat tails dotted the shore line; God was romancing me. I sat for quite some time just resting, breathing and watching. Then I talked to Him. Random thoughts and requests and gratitude fell from my lips. "Daddy I love you. God where are You leading me? Lord please help them. Jesus keep me focused." I love spending time with Him; He makes me smile. When I realized that I was going to be late for the flagpole meeting if I didn't head back, I got up, put my headphones back on and began to run the road. As I ran the sun shone directly on my face, and it drew me forward. But then I looked back, to see where I came from and it was nice, but not as nice as the sun that was ahead of me. I kept moving forward. This whole summer God has been doing one thing after the other, and it has been so good. But each week He says, "keep coming, keep walking forward; I've got more for you." I never know what the Lord has set in plan for me, or what new and exciting, or hard and trying thing He has next. I should be afraid because I feel like I'm walking down the street blindfolded, yet I am comforted because my Savior is holding my hand and guiding me down the street saying, "Just take my hand and trust in me. You will be just fine."

After realizing this, I saw a huge spider web and a huge ugly spider beside it. The web was beautiful, like a piece of artwork, with the morning dew speckled along its pattern. However that spider was creepy and ugly. Then I thought of how God sends me butterflies sometimes and I wished to see one. Not a moth though... eww I hate moths, they are so ugly and gross. They may fly and have wings, but butterflies were better by far. Then the Creator said, "Aisha, why do you like the web, but not the spider? And why do you like the butterfly but not the moth? Did I not create those too, just as I created that beautiful lake you just sat in front of?" I was guilty. I favored the beautiful and shunned the ugly.

Do I do that with people? Do I ever spend more time loving and enjoying beautiful people, or those easy to love and enjoy? I think I tend to inch myself away from the difficult ones sometimes, and that's not right or fair...because God created those ones too. He takes all things we deem ugly and makes them beautiful. In Him they are not the scary kind of ugly, or the creepy kind, they are the beautiful kind of ugly. He created those ones too.

Heaven's Battle Cry!

2008-08-09T23:43:00.000-07:00

OK so I know I say this word 'amazing' a lot, but I can't help but describe this past week as none other than AMAZING! This week at Riverside camp I worked with Sr. High teenagers and they have absolutely blown my mind...or I should say God and what He has done in their lives has blown my mind. Each evening we had a campfire, or a 'flashlight fire' if the rain held us in, and it was called Elijah's fire. During these times we sang worship songs, prayed and shared testimonies. The teens poured out their lives and gave up much to Jesus. Each night more and more confessed of things they had been struggling with and then 'threw it in the fire', accepting new life in Christ and healing. This week had no theme, but it seemed as if God chose the theme: Healing '08, as our speaker Robbie had described it. There was so much healing of mind, heart and body, as 14-17 year old kids stood up and said no longer would they listen to the lies of the enemy. These kids are so ahead of many adults. They loved each other with everything in them, displaying community and family. Only here in the arms of God could a group of people, many strangers, come together in 6 days and love in such an undignified, undone, and free way! Their love, their faith and their stands for Jesus screamed so loud in the face of the devil, saying: "Do you hear us? We will not back down! This is our battle cry!" Tonight as I was listening to some Bethany Dillon, the words in 'A Voice Calling Out" said it all. The lyrics completely describe this week:

"A Voice Calling Out"

I hear a voice calling out
I hear a voice in this wilderness
Where darkness has reigned for so long
Ground is being taken

The trumpet sounds
And Your glory touches the ground
And we all stand in awe
Who is this?
This glory far beyond us
I hear a voice

I hear a drum beating
heaven's drawing near
The sky will open
Your people are being healed
I hear a voice

[chorus:]
Heaven's battle cry
Rise
See the sun light what was hidden
Heaven's heart beat
See is moving
What was a whisper is now
A voice calling out

I see a generation rising up
No longer accepting lies
Running to the battlefield
And losing their lives

I see a generation rising up
No longer accepting lies
As a band of worshipers run to the battlefield
They're finding their lives
I hear a voice

So good huh? That has been our week. Tomorrow they wake up in the world, and the battle is still on. Sound the alarm, guard your hearts and continue to fight the good fight and press on!

Her Best Week

2008-08-02T17:01:00.000-07:00

"This has been the best week of my entire life"--These were the sincere words written on the back of a picture one of my campers drew for me this week. When I read those words I wanted to be alone down the hall, press my back against the wall, slide down to the ground and cry. My heart was breaking. Who am I Lord that You should choose me to be a part of some one's 'best week'? In that moment I felt so unworthy, yet so very, very blessed. This girl was twelve years old and she was a new believer, but I could see in her that want to grow deeper, to push past surface Christianity. However, there was something holding her back: fear. Fear does it to us all, huh? It holds us back from that dive; from letting go and fighting for what we want or know is right. Her family is in complete chaos right now, and this little girl looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I can't do it; I'm too scared. It's just too hard." Her parents were split up, and neither supported her in her faith or believed in God. Her sister, only 14, has been running away from home, smoking and suicidal. Her 15 year old cousin is pregnant by a man in his 20s. Another of her cousins recently raped by a family member and her grandfather passed away.

FEAR.

She ran to me, wrapped her arms around me, and held on as she cried... what in the world do I say? What do I do? God please...I need You. We sat and talked. I looked her in the eyes and told her that she WILL get through this, and that we have no idea what the future looks like but that Christ promises He will be there every step of the way. Yet all she could say was still, "It's so hard to be a Christian alone." I wanted to make everything better for her. I wished in that moment I could say go home and everything would be better, but I couldn't. I wanted to make things easy for her, so that she wouldn't cry, so that she wouldn't hurt. Then I remembered the Scripture verse that I clung to when I felt all alone and things were so hard: Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I told her that NO MATTER WHAT; no matter how hard, how scary, how alone, how painful things are, we CAN do all things with the power that Jesus gives us. Our God is a God of possibilities.
After much time of talking and prayer, we took a deep breath and she went back to her room... and I cried. I wanted to fall to my knees and beg Christ to work a miracle in her family. I wanted to plead and plead and plead until her Daddy gave in and believed. I felt like the only way she would make it was if God changed her family now. Jon, one of my new and very dear friends, came and sat with me and prayed for me. As I tried to clear my mind aloud with him, I realized that just as I told this girl to trust in Christ, I had to trust in Him as well, that He would take care of her. While praying for her family's salvation is good, I was praying for their salvation because in that moment I believed that was the only thing that would help this little girl. Our salvation does not depend upon the salvation of someone else! All we need is Christ, and if we hang on to him, we will make it. End of story. She is gone home now, back into the same world...but now with a new strength; a new hope. I may never see her again, but I trust in Jesus that she will make it; she WILL be okay.

Please Bring the Breaking...

2008-07-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

This is the second week of 'Never the Same Camp" in Houghton, NY...and it's a dark one.
I have been hearing the stories of many teens that are here and they have been beaten, broken, lied to, cheated and thrown out like last week's garbage. Since the beginning of the week I had this eerie feeling that someone was cutting themselves. The feeling was specific and straight to the point: someone here was struggling with cutting. I didn't tell any one until yesterday afternoon when I told the middle school chapel speaker how I felt. He said it sounded like God was speaking to me, and so we prayed that this person would be revealed. By that evening a young girl had confessed to another girl, with tears in her eyes, that she had been cutting herself.

I heard of one young man's story where his dad was in prison when he was born and had his father tell him that he hated him. His mother abandoning him and telling him that he was no good and that she too hated him. He broke down last night. Imagine how heavy he must have felt...no one loved him; no one wanted him. And then there's this girl who confessed to a leader that her daddy raped her when she was four and continued until she was six. How does this happen? How does a human being get so full of hatred and anger that he could take that from an innocent little girl, that he could do that? She was torn from the inside out. From that moment he hurt her, she was changed, shaken and damaged, questioning am I still good? Am I still pure? And then just yesterday as I was doing security and guarding the chapel doors, a girl came storming past me and as I tried to tell her not to go through, she looked at me with anger and ignored me and walked through anyway. My instinct was to get mad for her lack of respect, but later that night God revealed to me the deeper issue. As I was working night security, the same girl came storming out of the dorms, trying to take off. Her leaders were chasing her, pleading her to come back, but she yelled at them with frustration and anger. I said, "miss you need to go back inside for small groups" and then she looked at me and said, "you need to shut your mouth!" In shock I said "excuse me?" wondering if I had heard her correctly, but she just kept going. After the camp director was contacted and other leaders chased her around the campus, I watched as she continued to scream and cry and hate the world....I saw myself. In that moment I saw in her a familiar face, the girl I used to be when I was her age, and my heart began to break. What is in her life? What has she seen or experienced that she was so hurt? As I watched her, I prayed and asked my Dad to help her, to bring the breaking. Then, I saw it. She fell into her leader's arms and wept.

Satan is attacking these teens with things we can not imagine, and I am angry about it! It's time to pray people; time to pray hard. We want to see deliverance in these young men and women; freedom, truth, breaking of chains. God is calling out to them this week and He wants them to go home changed...please pray that they will absorb His presence. My Dad can do that! He wants them to see that He, their Heavenly Father, their Abba is offering freedom. They need not be in bondage any longer! In the words of Christ: "IT IS FINISHED!" Dear God, please bring the breaking.

It's Happening...

2008-07-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

Today I was so moved to see how God is calling young hearts to run after Him. He truly is igniting a passion in young hearts. We are here at Houghton College for the Never the Same camp and there are hundreds of teens here, but these teens are so on fire for God it makes me cry, smile, laugh, tremble and love God even more. God is raising up these younger generations and He is moving mountains with their faith! They are getting it. I know sometimes we think we understand and because God is so complicated we have to be really strategic in how we present Christ to the young ones because they are just too young to understand....but man are they getting it! If we just step out of the way, God will help them understand. Christy and I are helping with a prayer walk here that goes on during their free time and so many of these kids are coming out, even more than once. We have the rooms set up with candle light and it's so quiet in there, that peace just falls on you when you're there. In one of the prayer rooms there are big pieces of canvas and the teens write on it whatever they want to say to God. It is such a privilege to stay behind afterwards and read their heart cries to Jesus. Many of them express their love for God as a Father, calling Him Abba and Daddy. Others cry out "I will go!" There were many expressing the desire to follow God out into the world, and surrendering to His will for their lives. Then there were the simple one-liners that hit the heart like, "I am trying Lord" or " You make me feel wanted." Some drew pictures of crosses, butterflies, globes and trees. It was just a truly beautiful expression of what they have to say to God. Today I was blessed to talk to a young 13 yr old boy, who has a passion for skateboarding and doing it for Christ. He and his friend have started up a ministry where they get a bunch of kids together in their neighborhood, and go skateboarding then back to his house for food and to talk about Jesus. Then he proceeded to share about his anger problem, but that he was working with God on Fixing that: fleeing temptation and having friends keep him accountable. I was able to relate with him and give him advice which was cool. I thought it was amazing how much God is doing through young people. Here it all is...It's Happening.

2008-07-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever put God in a box without realizing it? Yeah, I hate when that happens and I totally did that this past week.
The camp we were at this week we worked as counselors and was completely different to the ones we previously worked at. There were like 80 campers at this one, compared to 30, and there were more rules there than spiders and flies. Everything was so structured and we had to follow so many laws that were enforced by New York State, it seemed as if there was no room for the teens to be free and have fun. No teen could ever be alone no matter what age they were, and we had to know where each one was at all times, thus I felt like I was counting my girls more than I was connecting with them. I asked myself how in the world they would ever connect with God if there are all these restrictions. My attitude for the first day was crappy, quiet and selfish. Then during the second service, God began to convict me and I knew I had to check myself and have God search my heart. What in the world was I doing? I was putting God in a box and thinking that He could change lives only under certain circumstances! God is a mighty and powerful God, and He can move in any situation no matter how we structure things. If He can build an underground church in places like China, then surely it is not a problem to change the lives of teens under some silly laws in NY. I was blown away...I can't believe I put Him in a box. He humbled my heart and gave me a promise that by the end of the week His power would be known because He is indeed mighty to save! And oh how He always remains true to His promises. By that next day the girls in my cabin became very different. They started connecting with each other, sharing in devotions, conquering fears, trying new things, working together as one, and opening up their hearts.
One night I did a devotional with the girls about beauty and how we see ourselves. I did an exercise with them where they simply wrote on a note card "yes" or "no" if they considered themselves beautiful, and out of 10 only 2 said yes. The rest were a flat out no. Then we talked about what Scripture had to say about the topic. That really made them think...they couldn't believe that many other girls said no, because in their eyes, they felt they were the only ones who felt that way.
However the coolest part of this whole week would have been when I got a chance to pray with this one girl individually. She confessed with tears streaming down her face that she had no self-confidence and hated her looks and her body. Wow....I knew exactly how this girl felt. Dude, I was there before. I shared with her what true beauty was and told her my story, then we prayer. We were there for probably about a half hour, and the night was perfect. I pray that God used me to tell her truth. It is time we storm the gates of hell and that we take back our beauty and destroy the disortion that is consuming our minds. Justice and beauty will prevail!

Our God Will Show Up!

2008-07-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

Well here it is, two weeks gone by, and what a wonderful two weeks they have been. This past week by far has taught me much and God has moved in powerful ways. I served as a cabin counselor this week and I had six girls in my cabin. They were the sweetest girls ever, and we made some cool memories, but the best memories will be the ones that were founded in God. I knew before this past week even started that God had huge plans and that His presence would fall heavy upon young hearts. The theme was 'The Great Adventure' and we talked about how our lives are a journey and where God wants to take us. Christy and I taught a class each day, studying the book of Exodus. We wanted to take them to a deeper level than just what they learn at Sunday school. Thursday night was the 'powerhouse' night. We taught class in the evening instead of morning so Christy and I decided to make the setting and mood more along the lines of a service. Christy spoke about our destinations when it comes to an adventure, and that we can not lead someone where we ourselves havent been. See Moses was afraid to go into Egypt for God; he fought Him on it over and over, but in the end it was Moses who learned from that fear, and was able to hep the Israelites let go of fear and cross the Red Sea.
We challenged the kids to be brave and to come up front and hold "Moses' staff (a hiking stick I found)" and share with everyone what they've gone through or are going through and to make a vow that they would use it to help people get through the same struggles. One after the other teens started coming up and pouring our their hearts and souls! About half of the campers came up, and they were moved to tears. As they cried, they shared that people called them weird or not good enough. They confessed that they were living two different lives between their Christian friends and their non christian friends. They confessed that they were to afraid to share Jesus with their family and then some other things. I will NEVER forget that night, and how thick the presence of the Lord was. We stayed back and prayed with them, and these young wonderful teens stayed back praying for each other. God really did move this week just as He promised, He said He would show up and because He is so good He made A CHANGE IN MANY HEARTS! Yes our God will show up. I can't wait until He does even more.

This is Only the Beginning!

2008-06-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

Praise God, for He is on the move! Christy and I are here at Baptist Park Camp, and it is our first week of ministry. The theme has been "Who Am I?", and the speaker definitely has an anointing from God to speak this message. Last night he talked about the fact that we are children of God, and it was just a beautiful reminder of how much God loves us and looks at us with so much passion as any father would for His child. How amazing it is that we can call Him Daddy! When I cry He is there comforting me and holding me.
Before we settled down to go to bed, we watched "the End of the Spear" with our campers and what a powerful message it had. This man named Nate gave his life to reach the people in Ecuador because their culture had been so ingrained in killing each other with spears. As he went down to reach them, they speared him to death, but he gave his life any way because it was his life for the sake of he Gospel. He said, "they are not yet ready for Heaven, and we are." When the movie was over I went and sat on the playground in the dark and waited for God. Then rain began to pour down, Christy joined me and we just sat quietly in the presence of God as the rain soaked our clothes and dripped on my face, my hair and my lips. We sangs praises to God and just had an amazingly deep connection with Him. This is only the beginning of the week and He is moving. Our campers are coming out of their shells and laughing and I just believe that by the end of this week God will have changed their lives. Please pray that the Spirit of God falls heavy on each heart. This is only the beginning!

Harvest Time is Coming!

2008-05-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like something big is coming? Something wild and exciting, and way cooler than you could ever imagine? That’s how I feel right now. These past couple years God has been doing big things, like I’ve said before, but I feel like something even bigger is coming. Seeds have been planted, the fruit in my life has been growing, and now it is harvest time. Even though God has used me in many ways so far, I feel like there’s even more; I feel like fruit is about to overflow in my basket. Let me share with you the opportunity that He has given me for this summer...

I have been chosen to travel on a Summer Team. The idea is that a group of students from Bethany Bible College travel around parts of Canada and the US visiting Christian summer camps. They represent the college and recruit people to apply, and ultimately bear witness to our Great and Merciful God. While recruiting applicants, summer teams also do ministry in the forms of music, drama, service, and counseling. Christy Zbylut and I will be travelling together as “Ignite”. We are a counseling team and our desire is to see a passion for God ignited in young hearts, and deliverance from their pain to be given to them.

I am so eager to get out there and watch God move. Whether people choose to believe it or not, He is always up to something good. I think it is such a privilege and honor to be given the opportunity to be a part of His plans. It’s like God is saying, “Hey you, I got this plan and I don’t need your help but I want it anyway. I want to change this world and show people my love and I would love to have you come along for that journey!” How cool is that! Me…little ole me…a speck in this world, has been given the opportunity to work for Jesus. Yes, you can definitely call me blessed, but you wanna know the even cooler part? I am no different than anyone else; I have not been singled out, or given “special treatment.” Not only does God want to use me and take me for an amazing ride…He wants to use each and every one of us…yes, even you who are reading this. God has no favorites…unless you count us all…then you get about 6 billion or more favorites.

This summer I am expecting to see teens become passionate believers; to see burdens and weights lifted; heartache and sickness healed. I am expecting to hear praises lifted high and tears shed in humble adoration; to see relationships restored and issues forgiven; to see love displayed and friendships made. I am expecting to see miracles beyond my imagination! When you serve such a Big God, who loves and moves in awesome ways, you must expect Big things. It’s harvest time baby!

The Lord Has Promised Good To Me!

2008-03-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

My name is Aisha Davis, and I am 19 years old. I am in my second year of Bible College and I have been a Christian for almost 4 years now. In these past few years since I gave my heart to Jesus, He has taken me places I've never imagined could happen. My life has changed so much and I've come so far from where I was and it is all by God's grace that I am who I am today. I decided to start this blog so that I could testify to what He is doing and has been doing in my life. God has allowed me to travel around the world and love people with my heart, hands and feet. He has seen me through the death of loved ones, and healed my broken heart when I needed it so. Not only has He healed my heart, but He has used other Christians to heal sickness in me. I have met AMAZING people as God brings them randomly and unexpectedly in my life. He has done a work in my family bringing us closer together and teaching us the meaning of love. He has provided money when I had none and covered my financial needs when it seemed like there was no hope. He has given me true friends a plenty and family all over the world. God has trusted me with leadership positions and has given me words to speak when I knew not what to say. He has called me and I am His. God is moving powerfully in my life and as I once heard someone say, "If God never does another thing for me, He is still worthy of my praise!" Since I was a little girl and before I knew what it meant to have a personal relationship with Christ, I knew that there was a God out there somewhere who believed in me and had great things in store. In Him I am somebody, and you all must know this: if it seems like I'm boasting I am only boasting in Him! Because all that is good in my life is because of Him! Yes, the Lord has promised good to me.
I am not always organized when it comes to journaling , so you won't get a new post everyday, but stay tuned. I hope through my writings you are encouraged and drawn to the good God. He is my Strength, He is my love, He is my hope, He is my joy... He is my Life!